A 'missing' feeling

I just don't know what it is, I'm sitting at my desk as I have been all day, it was a truly beautiful day that I spent inside, at my desk. I was brainstorming and managed to get a few thoughts down though doubted my own study. I managed to pour my thoughts out to friends who I sometimes wonder if they just say that I sound weird so that they could be the person to make me feel better? I've had all three meals and contemplating on whether to make myself a cup of tea and see how long I can stay up to work on my chapter.

Then I suddenly feel nostalgic. This feeling of me missing something. I just don't know what it is. This feeling takes over me and for a second I don't know where I am. It didn't last as long as it does sometimes. A couple of seconds and I reminded myself I was in US. But there are times when it lasts for minutes, I sit there in a slight panic, confused as to where I am and what I'm doing.

It's worse when I'm sleeping and I dream that I'm back there, in my bed, room.  As I slowly wake up, I start to panic as to where I am and it takes me a while to realise that I'm in my much smaller bed, which is not even a bed and things are how they are.

I just feel so lost and I don't know what to do. I thought this was what I wanted. I've never felt so disoriented in my life. I still feel as though I'm missing something. I miss my mum, I miss my old life, I miss my friends, I miss being able to afford things, I miss going out and enjoying my independance. I miss my best friend, I miss those nights where I'd get calls from friends at 1 or 2am because they just felt the need to talk. I miss how my friend and I used to talk, before we fell out with each other, when we used to be truly close. We'd drink tea together and just sit and talk. 

I am truly blessed for the experience I'm getting now. But I can't help but wonder, will I ever get over this feeling of being disoriented? Will I ever get my bearings? I'm sitting at my desk, and I feel dizzy. I think I need to finish my MS, and then we'll see where I land.

PS: I am missing everything, everyone, everytime, everywhere, everyday.

An apprehension

I dont know what to write

for I wish my life was more exciting

with noone leaving it kinda...

 

Opened my eyes to me leaving

I dont know when for sure

but I know everyone be leaving...

 

And then I will have to start over

for a year and then eventually

come home to everything I left

everyone will have moved on

and perhaps forget about me.

 

Will I be able to handle that?

who knows.

 

Will my friends still be there

to talk to and to catch up with what

I havve missed in their lives.

God I hope so.

 

A harsh fact of vry1’s life. Isn’t it true???

The Feeling

On a day like today,
a young lady arrived
at the airport,
with family
and friends.

Her heart was heavy,
and she was sad.
For she knew the time
has come to leave
this Heaven and
return to the
far lonely
world
elsewhere.

Unsettling feeling
in her heart,
a kind of longing
to stay back forever.
A kind of familiar loneliness
that she was acquainted with,
comes to her again.

And she sighed,
wistfully, forlornly,
hoping again hope,
to stay in this limbo
of joy and
belonging
forever.

'Oh no, I'm leaving again',
she murmured,
hot tears threatening
to well in her eyes.

Bravely, she forced
a smile at her
loved ones.
Without much of
a second look,
she bid them
farewell.

In the plane,
the girl sat,
with eyes closed,
reliving those
wonderful
and fond
memories
she left behind,

and those sweet voices
and carefree laughter
that accompanied
every single image
that went fleeting pass.

Unconsciously,
a faint smile ghosted at her mouth.

'I'll see them again soon.
Take care, my loved ones,
I'll be back.'

PS: not mine

A cliche....

I love this message...

"Time does not wait for you or me, days pass and years pass, you lose your loved ones, you move from your loved ones. Your life changes, friends change, people change!! But your heart has those precious moments fetched in it whether you want it or not. It is there! Make you happy and sad at times and making you even more painful at times..your heart has those moments in that corner where no one can see what is it, they ask seeing your blank face and you just smile, saying "NOTHING"".

It is so so true. Wish it was not.

People with whom you were so comfortable, whom you hugged and adored are no more yours. The shoulders on which you rested, the arms that comforted you are out of your reach forever. Your rights have been taken by someone. Its so terrible when you realize that a person who was your best buddy, in whom you confided every thing is no more your best buddy. It always hurts more to have and lose than to not have in the first place.

But the life still goes on. You find new faces, new people and you move on with those
new faces.

But those moments,those years can never come back and you never can forget those.
You make the best of everything. Best of friends, best of fun, best of memories. And
they are there with you forever. Its not the matter of distance or the long communication
gap, you know, they are there and they will be there whenever you want. So little does it matter that they are near or far. Its lucky enough to have such a nice company. And am
damn too lucky!

Thank you God(if you exist)!

DA-IICT calling

Our meeting with Prof. Prabhat Ranjan and former director DR. APK, gave me some direction to do something in life. Prof. PR gave us all the updates of Gandhinagar city and DA-IICT..that included infocity and the coming up eating places there like CCD, subway and many more...then we discussed about the impact of reservation and its impact on the reputation if university..It has certainly gone down.
Even 240 seats were not full..The Director, P.K.Chopra and Anil Ambani are least bothered of it because its not of any profit to them..moreover they have their personal benefits.
It was really disappointing when we realized that the quality is serisously deteriorating...

While leaving he just said one thing..u guys shud come there as faculty and look in the matter...make a strong alumni so that it can take part in the administrative decisions even if not supported by the college..

Well its inspiring at the same time its disappointing to see the degradation of the college. 

Since, this college has given us so many things, its time to pay back. What we can do is make our alumni strong and try giving it the reputation that it deserves.

I hope people will join me back in this.

..a Roller Coaster

life is funny, isn't it?

Just when you think you have got it all figured

out,just when you finally begin to plan something,

get excited about something, and feel like you know

what direction you are heading in, the paths change,

the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north

is south, and east is west, and you are lost. It is so easy

to lose your way, to lose direction. And that's with following

all the signposts.

It has its own ways of enjoying. Every so often it likes to dip

and when you feel like you can't take any more it smooths

out again.

Things change so quickly. Just when you get used to something,

zap! It changes. Just when you begin to understand someone,

zap! They grow up.

Our life is made up of time;our days are measured in hours, our

pay measured by those hours, our knowledge is measured by

years. We grab a quick few minutes in our busy day to have a 

coffee break. We rush to our desks, we watch the clock, we live

by appointments. And yet your time eventually runs out and you

wonder in your heart of hearts if those seconds, minutes, days,

weeks, months, years and decades were being spent the best way

they possibly could.

It's funny because when you are a child, you believe you can be anything you want to be, go wherever you want to go. There's no limit to what you can dream. You expect the unexpected, you believe in magic,fairy tales, and in

possibilities. Then you grow older and that innocence is shattered and somewhere along the way the reality of life gets in the way and you are hit by the realization that you can't be all you wanted to be,you just might have to settle for a little bit less. Or perhaps a variation of what you once wanted.

Why do we stop believing in ourselves?

Why do we let facts and figures and anything but dreams rule our lives?

RocKing ON

all good so far...exam went ok(i hope i havent made silly mistakes)------fingers crossed...

using the experience from the engineering life....made the project proposal in half an hour  ;)

The next day....party.....yeeeeeeeee

well nothing seemed like as if there gonna be a party until six in the evening, when my roomie came and started the arrangements in the house....now i was feeling as if something gonna happen

All starting to get ready...I was made to wear a saree...off-white and it was beautiful!

The food was delicious(menu-chole,paneer,aloo gobhi,mixed veg,raita,poori,rice,kheer,papad)

quite a number and it was so tasty that the host i.e. me and my roomie had hardly anything left for eating. 40 people for a party is quite a number. 

The pooja went good and so did the gathering. It felt different that day. Would not say I felt home but it was some strange kind of feeling. I was missing India so much. Never did I imagine that am going to miss it so much. 

Anyways, all went well. The music arrangement was good but noone was willing to dance. Finally just a few of us were left who tried dancing. Must say dancing wearing a saree is more than a job.

All in all it was fun. The guys told their experience of boozing, what happened when they had liquor for the first time. And I was just listening, sitting in a corner on my lappie. 

Everyone except we two had left at around 5 in the morning. All tired and exhausted. Then I slept even late around 7 talking to someone online. Seeing the diwali snaps and uploading them here and there :)

It was a different experience for me for we were the host. And now I know what responsibility a host has. So am pretty much prepared to be a host in future too :)