I just don't know what it is, I'm sitting at my desk as I have been all day, it was a truly beautiful day that I spent inside, at my desk. I was brainstorming and managed to get a few thoughts down though doubted my own study. I managed to pour my thoughts out to friends who I sometimes wonder if they just say that I sound weird so that they could be the person to make me feel better? I've had all three meals and contemplating on whether to make myself a cup of tea and see how long I can stay up to work on my chapter.
Then I suddenly feel nostalgic. This feeling of me missing something. I just don't know what it is. This feeling takes over me and for a second I don't know where I am. It didn't last as long as it does sometimes. A couple of seconds and I reminded myself I was in US. But there are times when it lasts for minutes, I sit there in a slight panic, confused as to where I am and what I'm doing.
It's worse when I'm sleeping and I dream that I'm back there, in my bed, room. As I slowly wake up, I start to panic as to where I am and it takes me a while to realise that I'm in my much smaller bed, which is not even a bed and things are how they are.
I just feel so lost and I don't know what to do. I thought this was what I wanted. I've never felt so disoriented in my life. I still feel as though I'm missing something. I miss my mum, I miss my old life, I miss my friends, I miss being able to afford things, I miss going out and enjoying my independance. I miss my best friend, I miss those nights where I'd get calls from friends at 1 or 2am because they just felt the need to talk. I miss how my friend and I used to talk, before we fell out with each other, when we used to be truly close. We'd drink tea together and just sit and talk.
I am truly blessed for the experience I'm getting now. But I can't help but wonder, will I ever get over this feeling of being disoriented? Will I ever get my bearings? I'm sitting at my desk, and I feel dizzy. I think I need to finish my MS, and then we'll see where I land.
PS: I am missing everything, everyone, everytime, everywhere, everyday.
